The Confession of Saint Nocho.

Dear God,

2011-06-12T18:12:00.000-05:00

So lately I've been working on what to do with my God Issues. Nothing seems appealing. There's nothing that seems to make sense with God. I feel abandoned. Even though I know He said he would never leave me or forsake me, it sure doesn't feel like it.

Right now my spiritual life feels more like the family disfunction that I've been witnessing. Enter the Characters... God: the rich and removed power player that can do anything you might need, but won't. Jesus: The perfect older sibling that God's always comparing you to. You know the one that in just 33 short years built his own spin off of the father's parent company that not only lasted for over 2000 years, but has managed to outsell Judaism on the international market. I can almost hear it, "You're 28 already; what have you been doing with your life?" Finally the Holy Spirit: the weird cousin that no one wants to talk about but somehow winds up being the life of the party any time he bothers to show up.

As I type this I hope to God that I'm not losing my soul. I just don't know what else to say or what else to think. I might as well make how I'm feeling concrete so I can either make things right between me and God, or come to grips with whatever he sees fit to punish me with. I know this is bad theology. I know it's never a good idea to try and determine theological consequences based solely on the pissed off emotional rantings of a recently injured ego.

So God, here's my grievance. I feel like you're punishing my wife for what her father did. I feel like you are robbing my wife of a dream we've had. I feel like you want happiness to be impossible. I feel like you're being selfish. I feel like you're cruel, by giving ambitions that can't be fulfilled. I feel like you've trapped me in this doldrum. I'm ready to eat the horses, or throw them over to make the boat lighter, just so I can be anywhere but here, dealing with anything but this. I want to hit something. Not even for the sake of venting, but sometimes in hopes that I might break something. Maybe if something is actually broken I might be a priority. My problem might matter. Maybe if I hurt more I might be able to move the hand of an infinite God to break through the barrier of the finite, to actually do something other than take. You could have done it differently, but you didn't. Why is that? I don't even feel like thinking about anything else, but I don't want to think about this. It feels absolute. It feels profound. It feels stupid.

So I'm here. Trying my best to pray to a God that's just pissed me off. How do I ask forgiveness for these feelings? Can you deal with these? I don't think that I can. How do I deal with these ideas and feelings? One more shift, and I feel like dropping into the statement that God is a construct of man's imaginings. That seems like it would be easier. Then I could just implode in peace. Then it would also make sense. If God is a product of imagination, then I couldn't feel like He could handle this any better than I could. The only other alternative is of course probably the right one. I just have a hard time believing, and I have in fact envisioned God to be much smaller then he is. So here it goes again. Turns out the problem is with me. It's always a problem with me.

God, I confess. I need you to forgive me for these things. For wanting to not believe. Not for believing that you don't exist, but for the persistent belief that you just don't care. I confess that I sometimes believe you cruel, that I sometimes believe you vindictive, that I sometimes believe you petty, that I sometimes believe you childish. Most of all though, that sometimes I, and more often than not lately, I believe you apathetic, distant as stars and as cold as stone. GOD, I NEED YOUR FORGIVENESS. I need you to remind me that you actually love me. Yes, even me. I need to know that You can. I need to know that you do. I need to know that you will. I need to know that you're willing to lead, I need to know that you are willing to comfort, I need to know that you are willing provide, I need to know that you are willing to provide not only for existence, but for the fruition of the things you've made a persistent gnawing in my mind. I know in my head that you are a loving God, but sometimes I think your love feels worse than another's scorn. God I need you to help me sort out how I feel, and move closer to you, so I can see what it is that you want me to do, and how you plan to make a way for it. Please get back to me soon. I'm already 28. At best I've only got another sixty or seventy years to wait.

I'll try to love you.

-Nathan

A quick note to consumers.

2010-08-23T09:06:00.001-05:00

If you are in no mood to deal with sales people approaching you in the store you went into, you should go back home.

I just read an article from the New York Time no less that was nothing more than a rant about how grumpy this guy is. He preceded to talk about all of the things that stores do that make him angry, like ask for an email address, and sales people that try very hard to sell things.

I'm sorry, but after being in retail and/or customer service all of my life, I have little to no sympathy for the person that gets annoyed when a sales person does their job. Especially when there is so much talk about job loss and the economic climate.

Something everyone needs to understand is that if someone is working in retail, it does not make them a lower form of being than you are. In some cases I've actually been more inclined toward the opposite. When you go into a retail establishment, odds are that the person you are talking to is not trying to make your life difficult. They are simply trying to do their job. The only time a salesperson will actually try to make things difficult for you is you have done something to deserve it.

Now on to my point. It's frustrating to me to hear so much complaining about giving someone your email address, or receiving an advertisement in the mail. Here's a couple of reasons why it just drives me up the wall. First is common sense: if you call me complaining about receiving advertisements that you "don't have time to go through" when you have time to call me and complain about it, you need to look at how much time it takes to just put it in the appropriate receptacle.

My second reason, and there are many more, is that people are not considering that this is part of someone's job. Let me explain. Right now the economy is down, and people are complaining that there are no jobs to be found. So while everyone is crying dear lord someone please create more jobs, they are failing to realize that they are asking people that already have a job to stop doing it. At the same time they are trying to stop businesses from seizing opportunities to seek more business. It doesn't take an analyst to know that if a business can create more revenue, it can then create more jobs. I do realize that this is not always the outcome, but it is a possibility. When companies ask for information such as email and mailing addresses, they are trying to do what they are there to do: sell stuff.

If you don't want to out this information, simply say so. The person who asks is typically doing one simple thing: trying to keep his job so that he or she won't have to live on government programs that you are paying for.

Beginnings (Thoughts on generation narcissism)

2009-09-29T10:59:00.001-05:00

Where do I begin with You?
I feel the need to find my beginnings.
My failure to remake myself and my world
Is wrought from my desire to cut off all that I fear in me.
When in truth You ask more of me,
You have made me as I am
You have put in me the passions
You will not let me invent a beginning for myself,
Because I do not begin with with myself
I do not begin today, or yesterday or even at my birth.
You have seen fit to make a path for me to walk
That proceeds from Your own mouth
From the time of the creation of all that is created.
You Father have lavished me with good gifts,
And with a name sake that adopts
Even the most broken into the blood of kings
Father help us to not turn a blind eye
To the gifts that you have given
It is you dear Lord that have gone beyond
When by all rights you could have stopped at redemption from hell,
But you have poured on with a gift
A gift you have been weaving a coat to clothe us
From the creation of all that has been created.

You said "Hoohas"

2009-09-08T00:15:00.003-05:00

So when we turn to the right and ask ourselves:
What are we thinking, and what was I looking at?
Where did the misdirection come from?
And how was I so unaware?

The uniformity of the disagreeable.
It's so predictable, and limited.
The underhanded pitch for the catch all product of miracles.
And the self appointed pope of untrained oracles.
Leading the children up to the altar and baptizing them
With your bile of falsehoods, and false hopes.
Abusing the words made to bring together God's people with love.
Refusing correction, saying you can't touch the anointed of God.
Casting off Godly wisdom for the unchanging frenzy unfounded thinking.
Round the rugged rock we run like ragged rascals.
Drunk and exposed, we try to watch our mouths
Performing our best attempt at dignity with our hoohas hanging out.
We curse our own humanity, at our next attempted theft of divinity,
As we try to call unclean that which He has made clean.

Theological Dodge-ball

2008-10-03T00:30:00.001-05:00

It's a shame that the joy that is involved in discussing the mysteries of God have been reduced by our society (The one founded on Christian ethics and principles) has been reduced to a game of theological dodge-ball. There is much to be learned from the past. The one intelligent thing I heard from the VP debates tonight was this: "The past is prologue."

One of the problems I seem to run into when discussing the trifecta of things that really matter: religion, politics, and comic books; is that everyone is human and we all have a past. I've heard it but best: "There is nothing original in me. I am the combined effort of everyone I've known." The problem comes when we choose to be narcissistic enough to believe that our past begins with us.

This is especially true when we look at religion. We tend to think that when we are talking about religion, that we have the answer that theologians throughout countless ages have wrestled with. Yes there have been many people upset, hurt, and killed over said issues. I am not trying to discount the atrocity of this. I am talking about the idea that modern american Christians have it put together. No need to question. If you question that means you don't love God enough.

Really what a lot of them are saying is "I don't have it figured out and I don't want anyone to know."

We've been put in a society in which every time we see someone appear to speak or represent a topic they are presented as an expert on said subject. If anyone has a view contrary, or a question about it they are branded a non-believer, or conspiracy theorist.

It is arrogant to think of ourselves as experts on anything, Particularly Religion. It is also arrogant to dismiss anyone who is willing to admit that that don't have the answer, simply because they are brave enough to ask you the questions you are afraid to ask yourself.

Often times we as Christians forget that we have been grafted on to the tree of the promise of God (Paraphrase I'll find the reference and exact quote for anyone who wants it verbatim, and post it up in Greek for you to translate.) and that we are now part of a rich history that began before we did.

Part of the history that we now share in includes a rich tradition of teachers and students discussing the Word of God and learning about the Heart of God from one another. Speaking with love and respect for everyone involved. Was it perfect? NO! It was just how it was. This is how we got a large amount of what we believe though.

Like it or not, Jesus was Jewish, so was Paul. These were men we look to for guidance and instruction in our faith. They were born into the Rabbinic Tradition, were God was believed to be big enough to answer questions, and questions about him were legitimately explored for the edification of all people.

This was the platform on which the mystery of God was explored, with reverence, wonder, and joy. In our attempt to reduce God to five must have points of theology, we have stripped Him and His Word of wonder and joy, and traded in our hearts of love, and our minds of wonder for a bucket of fucking rocks that we reach into only long enough to find one to throw at anyone who questions or disagrees with us on WE think God should look like.

Late night with not enough sleep... a short request.

2008-09-18T00:32:00.002-05:00

Will people please lay off of Rob Bell, Donald Miller, Brian McClaren, and various other authors until you can tell me you have read all of their works, asked them to clarify, and really fully confirmed that they have no desire to follow Jesus.

I've having a lot of conversations about the Church and doctrine lately. I've been looking to see what various sources have to say about different teachings. Among the things I have found online have been many pages that make me feel like giving up on the whole lot of you. People that go for throat of men after reading a couple of articles about them.

Some of the major complaints I've heard have been about Rob Bell saying that the trinity is irrelevant, and Donald Miller not giving enough doctrine, and only telling stories. There have been things about McLaren, and McManus, but I'll go into those later.

Let's just take care of the Miller thing. If this guy tells too many stories and does not give enough doctrine, you might want to re-read the Gospels. Note Jesus not really breaking down a whole lot of complex Doctrine there. He Kind of tends to tell a lot of stories. I would recommend you take a World Literature class or even a film class if you're not into reading anything other than the Bible. It will help you be able to understand how to interpret narratives.

As far as the quotes you see in magazines: Often times really smart people will over condense something in a way that makes sense to them for easy reference for themselves and then make the mistake of repeating it in public and suffering the injustice of being misunderstood by those who don't read books and have difficulty understanding the concept of representing a huge idea with a few words.

Sorry to be a bit rough on everyone, but I feel as though I needed to say something. I'm not saying I agree with everything said by everyone listed. I'm not saying I don't. I just think it sounds like a lot of reacting and not much responding going on out there. Bring the hard indisputable evidence, and we'll see. As far as I can tell everything referenced by most everyone for support is part of a quote by the author the begins and end with an ellipsis, followed by part of a scripture doing the same, which is right before the link to the other article that seems to leave out just as much as the page I was on.

If your concern is that the doctrine of these men don't match up with your prescribed denominational teaching, go and find every bi-law of you denomination, and find out how you are doing. After establishing what you believe about everything, go find one person in your own Church that agrees with you completely. By the time your done with that, well you really won't ever be...

Goodnight.

iCandy the hazards of the mobile cloister...

2008-09-14T13:48:00.001-05:00

Funny how when you are trying to expand your view of the world you can often times learn something about yourself. Sometimes things that even scare you.

For those of you who know me you probably know that I have a brain that doesn't like to sit still. You might even know about my addiction that's right I'm a junkie. My addiction is somewhat different than you might think when you hear the word addiction. I am addicted to information. Until recently I didn't think that this could ever be a serious problem. I like to learn, what's wrong with that.

I like to spend spare time reading books (Usually working through three to six of them at a time.) and talking to people about world issues, religion, psychology, music, or anything. I am the classic "jack of all trades" or as I like to call it "renaissance man." I don't know where or when it began, but I remember from having the conscious thought that I wanted to have a beginning working knowledge of everything I could possibly learn. I remember from a very early age being fascinated by science, religion, and music. The basic interest in science grew as I got older and started dealing with emotions into a curiosity with psychology. As I started wrestling with the harder issues of my faith the questions about religion expanded into philosophy and history. My intense love of music made believe that I might want to try and be a professional musician, which led me to work in a music store which got me looking into business.

There are probably a billion and one other cross references and inter-breeding of thoughts, studies and disciplines that have gone on in head that I could not even begin to list them all out in a way that makes sense here or anywhere else. All I know is that the more I seem to learn about one topic the more it helps me understand every other topic in the world. In short I always want to understand everything more completely and therefore make it my business to study everything.

Over the past few months I have been working two jobs. One of them a mail room at a local company that produces educational videos for churches, the other is a major coffee chain (you can probably guess which one). You can probably imagine how difficult it is for anyone working two jobs to even read one book, let alone three to six. I still find time to put my nose into one on occasion while doing be best to pick apart the Gospel of Luke, discuss world issues with my roommates, perform an in depth study of the gifts and manifestations of the Holy Spirit, continue work on my upcoming wedding, and spend about an hour a day on the phone with my amazing fiancee Micci (who has been very gracious with me when I start in on one of the billion topics that has made its way into my brain). Working at a coffee shop definitely helps with having the energy to do this. Anyone who thinks there is not enough time to enjoy life just needs to drink more coffee.

Needless to say I've been busy. So in looking for new ways to acquire new information over the past few years I've been a listener of KERA 90.1 Radio unlimited. That's right the Dallas area NPR. I love it. Well here's where the story gets weird (er). I recently discovered a new way to indulge me need for information. Podcasts. I found a few univerity lectures by one of my favorite speakers, Donald Miller, and I downloaded a few episodes of This American Life. The proablem was it just seemed that I had to sit so long next to my computer to listen to them. Then just last week like a gift from above it hit me. I have the ability to click and drag, and where did these Podcasts wind up? That's right, where God and nature intended. On my iPod.

Why I had never put that together before I just don't know. It was amazing to me. I work in a mail room. I have been using my iPod to listen to music all day. Why oh why had I not done this before now? So Thursday morning at first break I loaded up two of the Donald Miller lectures, and the episode of this american life entitled "What I Learned From Television" (Which inspired an earlier blog post entitled "Lessons From The Tube" which you can find here on my Myspace blog archive.) and proceded to listen all day to new thoughts and ideas. Friday morning I removed the lectures and single episode of This American Life, and added three new episodes, and away I went learning all day as I stuffed and stamped boxes. I was in heaven.

Here's where the problem happens. Eight hours of information download, combined with caffiene, an already overactive brain, and lack of sleep. My workday in the mail room was over. I had to turn my iPod off. It was like running into a wall. I was no longer taking in information. It felt like something was wrong with me. I was suddenly tired but did not want to sit still. I had more new information in my brain all at once then I had been able to take in in a long time. I was not only have trouble prossessing it, but I honestly was having a hard time prossessing the world around me. Here I was getting ready to go into my coffee shop job where I had to interact with people, and all I wanted to do was listen to more Podcasts. What was wrong with me.

Not only was there a mental reaction, but now joke, there was a physical reaction as well. I wanted to sit down and cry, but my brain was moving so fast I couldn't sit still. I was going through some kind of withdrawl from my information overload that I physically wanted to vomit. I was speaking to people in fragments of sentences, my hands were twitching, and I just wanted to sleep or run around, I wanted to scream. This was infact one of the strangest things ever to happen to me. All because of a device small as a pack of gum.

It's like the old saying goes, "too much of a good thing, is still too much." I am taking steps to make sure I don't do this to myself again. I don't think there is anything wrong with listening to NPR or university lecture podcasts, but the hazard is my tendancy to get too wrapped up in my own head. I had found a way that I could live there while performing my job functions. I had created a cloister that I could keep in my pocket, a way to separate myself form the world around me. In one work days time I was able to put myself there so deeply when I was forced to come out, the idea that I even had a body was mildly painful.

I have found out that there is a way to OD on ifnormation, it's now my responsibility to make sure that I'm not just taking it all in, but that I'm actually responding to the world around me, not just learning about it. To all the information junkies out there. The iPod can be a wonderful thing, but please lets all be careful how we use it.

Thank you.

HWY 75 S into rambling...

2008-09-02T09:45:00.001-05:00

We're suing them over pseudonyms
and fake faces in the misplaced stages
of the true God misrepresented by false prophets
and their real discrimination
refusing heliocentric ideas
like the hierarchy of apes screaming aviation is damnation
claim the gospel of the good, and better living through exploitation
keep it at a distance so it doesn't start a war and if it does
who really cares we'll find another third to outsource
people begging for a hand and all we give are handouts
or a man eating gear beast where the cost is much less have no doubt
who's fingers did we ride to work in?
who's arm did we adorn our neck with?
who's hands are in the shirt on our backs that we find it hard to give back?
to the victor go the spoils and we are spoiled.
as our conveniences conquer us we spoil in the victory.
I pray that we can be forgiven.
I pray that I can be forgiven.

Who's arms am I wearing today?
God how do we change these things?

Where we walk in the wild wood...

2008-08-23T20:20:00.002-05:00

There was a name for this place once.
The Pagus it was called.
It meant someplace out of control.
Out of control of Rome that was.
The people there were called by a certain name.
Pagans.
The place where they live was mark on the map not by it's name.
I was marked by a phrase.
Here there be monster.
The people who lived there were thought to be monsters.
The people there were thought to be witches.
The people there were thought to be evil.
The people there were thought to be inferior.
The people there were thought to be illiterate.
The people there were thought to be weak.
All of "Holy Rome" believed that all these people needed was to be subdued.
All of "Holy Rome" believed that all these people needed was to be educated.
All of "Holy Rome" believed that all these people needed was to be empowered.
All of "Holy Rome" believed that all these people needed was to be opened to trade.
All of "Holy Rome" believed that all these people needed was to join the empire.
All of "Holy Rome" believed that all these people needed was to look like Romans.
Rome thought that simply by haphazardly spilling the excess they had achieved into other nations, that they too would want to look like become part of the Empire. Interesting I find that it was Rome that fell to the hands of the "inferior" people.

Why is it we assume that all that everyone else needs is to be more like a superpower and not that the superpower needs to understand that it's footing is on the backs of the Pagans that will never want to look like the liar they speak to. Because when they do decide to be like us, they will decide they would rather we see them as the foot we have between their shoulders than the two-sided face that tells them they could be better. Who really is in need for bettering? A poor man working the only available way to feed his family, or the rich man destroying any resource the poor man might have to do that with? When desperation strike the trodden, it is the rich who will suffer.

The truth is so many don't want to raise the standard of living for the poor, because who will work the diamond mine, who will sew the collars on our shirts, who will, break their fingers so we can have dolls, who will be the prostitute, will run our drugs, who will pick our coffee?

No I'm not perfect, just wrestling in public.

Dead Dragons

2008-08-21T23:25:00.000-05:00

(This is a re-post from my other blog, I just wanted to give anyone who happens upon this something to read.)

I've walked on that high road and it made my feet hurt for fear of falling.

I've typed those essays and all I got was a letter I never wanted.

I've stuffed new nothings into the empty places and all there was,
was more of the same.

I've consumed every moment I could like wine
and found myself gorged on the next bit of longing.

I've planned for a future that is always one more tomorrow
over to the west and back to the east somehow.

I've passed those tests only to find out
they didn't really want those questions answered.

I've watched with horror as I've stood by
as they were consumed by monsters.

I've answered the calls to come and slay dragons,
and what did they give me except the pile of dead dragons
that I'm supposed to dispose of.

We were brought to order by men of violence,
and now the order holds no place for them.

What are we to do when heroism repayed with a cold cuff
and the expectation to embrace the things that
they asked to be saved from?

Where do we find the end to this?

No one wants to fight the wars,
but no one is willing to do what it takes to end them.

Shame on the monsters,
but more shame on us for bedding down with them.

The gears turn, and I pray that they can be fixed before they crush us.

Just so you know...

2008-08-21T17:57:00.000-05:00

This isn't my first blog. You can find what I've done @ www.myspace.com/nathanunderwood I will try to remember to post everything in both places. If you happen to stumble across me before then please check out the myspace.

First time out.

2008-08-21T15:17:00.000-05:00

So I have decided to start yet another blog. Here goes.